Sunday, August 16, 2009

Is it gonna happen, or what!?

I’ve pooped a lot lately. More than normal, but not enough to worry. I could feel a poop coming on the other day while I was out. I ignored it for as long as I could but suddenly realized I may have waited a little too long so I had to scurry quickly to the nearest loo.

Despite my feelings of urgency, when I sat down, nothing was there. I pushed and pushed, but nothing came, so I moved on my next strategy. I pulled out my phone, turned on the Tetris and tried to relax. Still no luck. I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe, despite feeling like a rock was trying to make its way out my butt, there was nothing there. A phantom poop, there but not really.

I gave up. My friend was waiting for me, I had places to go, people to see. I didn’t have any more time to give this little guy. I reached over to grab some tp so I could wipe and get out of there, but apparently there was something in the motion of reaching out for the tp that made my bowels explode into the bowl beneath my bum.

Now, instead of being full of poop, I was full of shock and amusement.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


My stomach was burbling, but as I puttered around the house I forgot about the volcano getting ready to burst out of my bottom. Finally after a while I realized I had to go pee. Inconveniently I was in the laundry room of my building. I debated going in there, but the Super was puttering around so I decided to go back upstairs and use my own toilet. Turned out to be a really good call.

I sat down to pee, and after about 30 seconds of peeing IT started pouring out of me. The poop that is. Felt like nothing, I didn't know it was happening until it started hitting the bowl.

After I got the initial dropping, I started to get the painful poop cramps. You know the ones, they feel like your giving birth to a wee poo. You can feel the muscles in your bowels working. After birthing about 5 of these little guys and feeling like some lava had just poured slowly from my bum I was done.

When I looked down into the bowl to inspect my work it was a lot smaller than I expected. My cat has bigger turds than this...but then again my cat just has really big turds. It was like a pile of lizard poop, or what I imagine it would be like, because really I've never seen lizard poop before.

In any case, my bowels are a rumbling again...

Short verse...

(To the tune of Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash)

I feel the poop a coming,
It's rolling out my bum...

...Oops gotta go there it is!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Forced to poop

I hate when I haven’t pooped before I leave the house. I went out for breakfast the other day and I didn’t manage to squeeze a poop before I left. Almost immediately after I finished eating I could feel him trying to poke his way out of my bum. I had a dilemma, I knew that my poop wasn’t quite ready and I needed to walk around a little to get him ready to go. I didn’t have that kind of time though. So either I had to go now, or cross my legs.

I decided to go.

It was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to push. Luckily it was one of those one person bathrooms because I was grunting and groaning away. I had to work so hard for this guy I was rocking back and forth on the toilet, pressing down on my bowels trying to make sure every last bit of him came out.

I was in there for a while so when I finally did come out I had to do that walk of shame back to my table. Anyone who had seen me go to the bathroom and then saw how long it was when I finally came back, knew what I had done in there. Oh they knew.

The Uneventful Poop

I sat down on the toilet to pee. As the pee poured out of me, suddenly with all the force of an atomic bomb the poop exploded out of me. One minute I was sitting there nicely peeing, the next minute I had pooped. It was amazingly satisfying. Not too messy, the smell was minimal. I could definitely go for that again. Maybe I will tomorrow.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Almost diarrhea

I was innocently sitting on the toilet peeing, and then without warning poop started pouring out of me. On one hand, it was great, because it required no effort on my part, and then I inhaled. The smell was like if you pooped in a ziplock, put it out in the sun for a while, then locked yourself in a room with no air and then opened it up. Rotting garbage could not compare to the smell that was unleashed from my bum.

Friday, June 26, 2009

In one day, out the other.

Yesterday was not a good food day. Don’t get me wrong, it was a tasty day, but not a “good” day. For breakie I had more than a little too much baguette, for lunch I had leftover pasta, and for dinner to complete the trifecta I had some greasy stadium French fries. Like I said, not a good food day. My body does not appreciate too many wheat products, and then to throw some grease on that, it was not happy.

I spent a good chunk of my evening feeling very very bloated. I felt something brewing in my belly and when I finally went to sit on the throne, I pushed and pulled, popped a blood vessel in my head, and all that came out was one of the tiniest poops I have ever seen.

All the way home I couldn’t stop the wet juicy farts from leaving me. If you were on the subway last night and smelt something nasty, it was probably me. The good part was, I got most of the toxic air out of me before I got home, so at least I didn’t stink up my apartment!

In the night the cat dropped something off my dresser, and when I got up to look I did a GIANT wet fart and for a second I thought it was a startled poo. I had to go check out the situation because I was so sleepy I couldn’t be sure if I’d just dropped a load in my pants or not. Thankfully I had not.

This morning I felt pretty good considering the events of last night. My poop was ok, I waited for the point of no return, and I didn’t have to work that hard for it. When I looked in the bowl though, it was looking a little skinny and pathetic. I prefer to see those big thick logs, not the pathetic little twigs, but after yesterday I was happy just to have that kind of quantity. I’m eating a big old bowl of fruit today with some yogurt so hopefully tomorrow will be quality with quantity.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Point of no return poop

The point of no return poop. Until I had heard about it I didn’t poop like a champ, more like a chump. I would have to spend hours sitting at the toilet grunting and groaning trying to squeeze out some nuggets.

The basic concept of the point of no return poop is that you wait until the very last second when you can pretty much feel the poop poking its way out of your bum. I know it isn’t pretty, and it’s risqué, but if all works out it’s well worth it.

When done right, you just sit down on the throne and everything slides out, uneventful and quick. Just a couple plop, plops and you’re done. It isn’t always perfect; sometimes the first couple stones come out good, but the last few kick up a fuss. They dig their claws in and really make you work for it.

Just don’t wait too long.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Morning Brew

I thought yesterday morning’s poop was going to be smooth sailing. I could feel it brewing in my bowels like a morning cup of joe, but when I went to my throne to try and throw a couple down, nothing came out!!! It was like being in the desert with storm clouds looming above. There was nothing I could do, I had to wait.

So I hiked up my pants and headed off to work, unsure of what the future would hold. Nothing happened for the first hour, but then I started to feel something funny in my pants. Just as my internal poop timer went off and I was literally lifting my bum out of my chair, a manager came over and I was stuck.

The next half hour was very uncomfortable and finally she went to go and get something so I ran to the loo. When I got there I had sucked my poop back so much he was a little shy. Finally after some convincing, out he came. In large quantities I might add. I filled the bowl.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

1000 Poopers

I pooped the poop of a thousand poopers.

First I pooped a little, then a little more, then a lot, and then a LOT more. That was last night.

Then I did it again this morning.

Oh god and they were big giant golden brown smelly mothers.

On one hand this is good, because lately I've been struggling to "make ends meet". On the other hand, the smell was horrendous.

Oh god the smell!!!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Things were finally returning to normal...

I thought that things were finally returning to normal. No real stand out joe's. Certainly nothing to write home about. A couple giant guys but that's about it. Nothing but regualr sessions.

And then yesterday I worked really really hard to produce my joe, and when I looked down what felt like a 10lb sausage ended up being more like little finger hot dogs.

And now Josephine is here and things are about to get very very messy...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hooked at the end

This morning I had quite the big joe again, despite the large one I birthed yesterday. While this one wasn't as big, it was big enough, and it was hooked at the very end. I've never seen that before! Maybe my trapdoor has a dent in it! Or maybe I just moved when he was about ready to hit the bowl.

In any case it was very weird.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Pre-bed poop

Even with the gigantic dinosaur sized turd I dropped in the toilet today, I still had a pre-bed poop!

Usually I only have one if I haven't really gone all day, interesting...

I've seen a newborn smaller than this one...

By far the largest poop that has ever come out of my backside today. I swear to god there must be newborns that weigh less than this guy did. No wonder I felt such a heavy weight in my bowels.

It was so big, the splash back from the toilet water soaked my hair!

I think it may have even been bigger than my cat...

...And I didn't even double check that he flushed...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Death Farts

I've been to busy too poop...well at least too busy to get a good look at it.
It's been mediocre, but today I've been having death farts so I think a wild ride is awaiting me tomorrow.

I've also noticed my farts have been more like sharts too. I sat on the throne, let one rip and something dripped...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Rectum Popping Poop

Today I pooped again and again and again. Or at least it felt like I did. It was stuck, coming out in dribbles. I finally felt like the end was coming, and no one was in the bathroom so I closed my eyes, held my breath and gave a loud heave ho. But the only thing that happened was that I thought my rectum was going to pop. Like I blew up the balloon too full and it was going to burst.

I finally did manage to get the poop to come out, and when it did, I used all my energy to try and make it come out in one long stream. Have you ever tried to do that? It takes a lot of concentration and patience, but I find it somewhat satisfying. It was very long and fat. And the side were all shockingly flat, except for the tips the sides looked like they came out a play doh maker. Overall it was a very fascinating pooping day.

Poop Fusion

Yesterday I was running late and I didn’t have time to poop before I left for work. Yes, unlike others I have the power to hold my poop. It’s really more like, if I don’ think about it it isn’t there. The only problem with that is that I had some really weird poops all day. I forgot I hadn’t pooped in the morning so I was all freaked out at first.

I guess because I held my poop, it fused together while it was backed up in the loading dock. When I looked down at it, it kind of reminded me of when you squish 2 bars of soap together in the shower, except a little more finger/cone shaped.
Aside from the poop fusion, it trickled out of me like I was peeing out my bum. Nearer to the end of the day I started having some stinky wet farts. When I finally when to the washroom, there was a distinct streak in there (thank god for PLs).

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Joe is looking good

I had to pee, no hint of Joe on the borders, yet when I sat down, there he was ready to go. And boy was he looking good, no fuss, no muss. He just slipped right out and fell in the bowl. He did smell though, a lot! Like garbage that had been rotting in a sewer for months.

And the best part? Joe came around for a second visit, and it was just as good. Sat down, and a few plop plops later, I was done!

I think I'm back in the game! Ooooooooooh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Daryl & Josephine

So not only am I having messy poops, Josephine (my monthly "friend"), has come for a visit too. And boy is she making her presence known. She's just as messy, if not messier than Daryl. I can't wait for Daryl to turn back into regular old Joe (my name for my poop, it's short for Jobby, the Scottish slang for poo). I think Joe will make his return soon. I hope.

Meanwhile Josephine is filling up an fp (feminine product) within the hour. Luckily I just got a ton of them on sale last week. I just can't wait to get off this wild ride and just get back to some normal pooping.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Diarrhea's deformed cousin Daryl

I still haven't recovered totally from my life changing experience. My poop resembles diarrhea's deformed cousin, Daryl. He can't make up his mind whether he wants to come out. He practically hangs out my ass but as soon as I put my butt over the hole he shoots back in and clings on for dear life. When I finally do squeeze him out it's like squirting playdoh out of a strainer. It's smelly, a little messy, not at all satisfying. It always leaves me wanting more, and by more I mean I always feel like I have to poop. Always.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life will never be the same

You wouldn't think that in 4 days things could turn so upside down, and within a week come full circle. Last Wednesday I was so constipated I thought my bowels would burst. In the following days I ate as many fibrey poop inspiring foods I could sink my teeth into. And on Saturday I took it too far. 10 grain pancakes.

I felt absolutely fine, nothing was off. Went to bed thinking nothing of it, little did I know my life was going to change forever. I don`t think I will ever have a worry free fart again.

I was obvious even as I woke up Sunday morning. I drifted in and out of sleep, letting myself sleep in as I rarely do, I felt very relaxed and well rested. Not a care in the world, just a fart in my bum. So I let it go.
But it wasn't a fart, and I shit my pants.

I was horrified. No that`s not right, I was way beyond horrified and there are no words to describe it. Not only that, but someone was in the bathroom. Not knowing what to do I grabbed a wad of tissues and shoved them down my pants hoping nothing would fall to the floor.

If you could call it luck, after just having shit your pants...they stepped out of the bathroom and I ran in. What was in my pants wasn't the end of the pooping, not by a long shot. Have you ever tried to hold back diarrhea? It isn't easy. I kept my hand firmly over my bum the entire time, as if that could really help.
I’m always joking that I filled the bowl, this time it was no joke. As soon I my ass touched the seat my butt sprayed like a garden hose out of control. A combination of the noise (oh god the noise) and the smell made me want to vomit. For a moment, just a moment, I thought it was never going to stop.

While hell exploded from my butt, I took some toilet paper and scooped as much of the poop out of my underpants that I could. Amongst my own shit I could clearly see the seeds from the pancakes I ate the night before. They had gone right through me, and looked surprisingly clean considering the company they were keeping.
Needless to say I had to throw out everything I was wearing on my lower half.
Disgusted? Think that’s it? So did I.

I spent the rest of the day relaxing, I didn't feel sick or anything, the worst I felt was a lack of appetite. I almost forgot what had happened that morning, and then a fart came. I felt so good I didn't think anything of it when I felt the fart coming, but as soon as it started to push it’s stinky little head out I realized that it wasn't a fart, it was a reoccurrence of the horror I had experienced in the morning.

I quickly ran to the bathroom and had another earth shattering experience. An Imodium put an end to any more trouble for that day. Unfortunately that didn't stop me from panicking every time I felt a fart. It’s been 3 days and I finally let myself fart. It was a good long, full fart, and for a moment I thought it was going to be more than that. Thankfully it wasn't, but it did lead to an emptying of my bowels that was both long and painful. I cannot deny that it wasn't fruitful, somewhat pathetic, but after having to take an Imodium and being backed up again I’ll take what I can get.

I almost said I hope things will get back to normal, but I think after you've shit your pants it's safe to say things will never be the same again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day off from everything but pooping

Yesterday morning I was having a major farting fest. They smelled really bad too, like something had crawled up inside of me and died. I was expecting a big production when I finally squatted over the bowl. I thought I was at risk of filling the bowl. I was sorely disappointed. I couldn't even squeeze out a deformed nugget, it was horrible. When I finally did get something to come out mid afternoon it was nothing more than what an ant's poop might look like. The day was filled with a lot of false promises. I felt like I could have popped.

When I woke up this morning I felt like my insides were as hard as a rock. I sat on the toilet for a good half hour and all that came out were a dozen babies toes. I was already going to be late for work and I felt like I had more business to attend to, so I stayed home to work things out. It had been a few days since I'd had a good session on the throne, and even then I had had a few days between the last couple of them.

I wanted to stay home so that I could be on the toilet before I finished a fart. I tend to put it off sometimes even when I know I shouldn't. Things come up, when it`s coming down, you know? I wasn't convinced that taking the day off would work, but it worked better than I thought. I had a few false alarms but for the most part I think I got the bulk of my load out. Not that it didn't take the whole day, and didn't hurt. It certainly did not feel good. (I swear I saw a little blood). So problem solved for now, I’ll live to poop another day...I hope.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Why we do it...

Growing up I hated having to go to the washroom anywhere outside of my house. My biggest fear was going to the washroom and having a big long poop and then having to go back to my group knowing that they knew that I knew that I had been gone way too long.

About five years ago my best friend and I went on a three week backpacking trip around Europe. In most of the places we stayed the bathrooms had barely a paper thin wall dividing it from the room, and boy could you hear everything! Every fart, plop and tinkle even with the TV blaring. I think it took us about 3 nights before we started commenting on the volume the other was making, even going as far as commenting while the other was in the loo. I will admit I was the meaner of the two and at one point my friend begged me to wander the streets of Paris while she emptied her load.

A few years later the same friend and I decided to be roomies, permanently sharing a toilet. And that`s when it happened. We aren't sure when or how, but what started out as an embarrassing and taboo act has flourished into one of our main conversation topics on a daily basis. And why not? Everyone does it, and talking about it has been so free and enlightening we decided we needed to share our discussions with the rest of the world.

And since poop isn't always the only crappy thing produced some days we are going to talk about all of the crappy things in life, not just shit.