Sunday, July 19, 2009


My stomach was burbling, but as I puttered around the house I forgot about the volcano getting ready to burst out of my bottom. Finally after a while I realized I had to go pee. Inconveniently I was in the laundry room of my building. I debated going in there, but the Super was puttering around so I decided to go back upstairs and use my own toilet. Turned out to be a really good call.

I sat down to pee, and after about 30 seconds of peeing IT started pouring out of me. The poop that is. Felt like nothing, I didn't know it was happening until it started hitting the bowl.

After I got the initial dropping, I started to get the painful poop cramps. You know the ones, they feel like your giving birth to a wee poo. You can feel the muscles in your bowels working. After birthing about 5 of these little guys and feeling like some lava had just poured slowly from my bum I was done.

When I looked down into the bowl to inspect my work it was a lot smaller than I expected. My cat has bigger turds than this...but then again my cat just has really big turds. It was like a pile of lizard poop, or what I imagine it would be like, because really I've never seen lizard poop before.

In any case, my bowels are a rumbling again...

Short verse...

(To the tune of Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash)

I feel the poop a coming,
It's rolling out my bum...

...Oops gotta go there it is!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Forced to poop

I hate when I haven’t pooped before I leave the house. I went out for breakfast the other day and I didn’t manage to squeeze a poop before I left. Almost immediately after I finished eating I could feel him trying to poke his way out of my bum. I had a dilemma, I knew that my poop wasn’t quite ready and I needed to walk around a little to get him ready to go. I didn’t have that kind of time though. So either I had to go now, or cross my legs.

I decided to go.

It was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to push. Luckily it was one of those one person bathrooms because I was grunting and groaning away. I had to work so hard for this guy I was rocking back and forth on the toilet, pressing down on my bowels trying to make sure every last bit of him came out.

I was in there for a while so when I finally did come out I had to do that walk of shame back to my table. Anyone who had seen me go to the bathroom and then saw how long it was when I finally came back, knew what I had done in there. Oh they knew.

The Uneventful Poop

I sat down on the toilet to pee. As the pee poured out of me, suddenly with all the force of an atomic bomb the poop exploded out of me. One minute I was sitting there nicely peeing, the next minute I had pooped. It was amazingly satisfying. Not too messy, the smell was minimal. I could definitely go for that again. Maybe I will tomorrow.