Saturday, March 28, 2009

Joe is looking good

I had to pee, no hint of Joe on the borders, yet when I sat down, there he was ready to go. And boy was he looking good, no fuss, no muss. He just slipped right out and fell in the bowl. He did smell though, a lot! Like garbage that had been rotting in a sewer for months.

And the best part? Joe came around for a second visit, and it was just as good. Sat down, and a few plop plops later, I was done!

I think I'm back in the game! Ooooooooooh Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Daryl & Josephine

So not only am I having messy poops, Josephine (my monthly "friend"), has come for a visit too. And boy is she making her presence known. She's just as messy, if not messier than Daryl. I can't wait for Daryl to turn back into regular old Joe (my name for my poop, it's short for Jobby, the Scottish slang for poo). I think Joe will make his return soon. I hope.

Meanwhile Josephine is filling up an fp (feminine product) within the hour. Luckily I just got a ton of them on sale last week. I just can't wait to get off this wild ride and just get back to some normal pooping.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Diarrhea's deformed cousin Daryl

I still haven't recovered totally from my life changing experience. My poop resembles diarrhea's deformed cousin, Daryl. He can't make up his mind whether he wants to come out. He practically hangs out my ass but as soon as I put my butt over the hole he shoots back in and clings on for dear life. When I finally do squeeze him out it's like squirting playdoh out of a strainer. It's smelly, a little messy, not at all satisfying. It always leaves me wanting more, and by more I mean I always feel like I have to poop. Always.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Life will never be the same

You wouldn't think that in 4 days things could turn so upside down, and within a week come full circle. Last Wednesday I was so constipated I thought my bowels would burst. In the following days I ate as many fibrey poop inspiring foods I could sink my teeth into. And on Saturday I took it too far. 10 grain pancakes.

I felt absolutely fine, nothing was off. Went to bed thinking nothing of it, little did I know my life was going to change forever. I don`t think I will ever have a worry free fart again.

I was obvious even as I woke up Sunday morning. I drifted in and out of sleep, letting myself sleep in as I rarely do, I felt very relaxed and well rested. Not a care in the world, just a fart in my bum. So I let it go.
But it wasn't a fart, and I shit my pants.

I was horrified. No that`s not right, I was way beyond horrified and there are no words to describe it. Not only that, but someone was in the bathroom. Not knowing what to do I grabbed a wad of tissues and shoved them down my pants hoping nothing would fall to the floor.

If you could call it luck, after just having shit your pants...they stepped out of the bathroom and I ran in. What was in my pants wasn't the end of the pooping, not by a long shot. Have you ever tried to hold back diarrhea? It isn't easy. I kept my hand firmly over my bum the entire time, as if that could really help.
I’m always joking that I filled the bowl, this time it was no joke. As soon I my ass touched the seat my butt sprayed like a garden hose out of control. A combination of the noise (oh god the noise) and the smell made me want to vomit. For a moment, just a moment, I thought it was never going to stop.

While hell exploded from my butt, I took some toilet paper and scooped as much of the poop out of my underpants that I could. Amongst my own shit I could clearly see the seeds from the pancakes I ate the night before. They had gone right through me, and looked surprisingly clean considering the company they were keeping.
Needless to say I had to throw out everything I was wearing on my lower half.
Disgusted? Think that’s it? So did I.

I spent the rest of the day relaxing, I didn't feel sick or anything, the worst I felt was a lack of appetite. I almost forgot what had happened that morning, and then a fart came. I felt so good I didn't think anything of it when I felt the fart coming, but as soon as it started to push it’s stinky little head out I realized that it wasn't a fart, it was a reoccurrence of the horror I had experienced in the morning.

I quickly ran to the bathroom and had another earth shattering experience. An Imodium put an end to any more trouble for that day. Unfortunately that didn't stop me from panicking every time I felt a fart. It’s been 3 days and I finally let myself fart. It was a good long, full fart, and for a moment I thought it was going to be more than that. Thankfully it wasn't, but it did lead to an emptying of my bowels that was both long and painful. I cannot deny that it wasn't fruitful, somewhat pathetic, but after having to take an Imodium and being backed up again I’ll take what I can get.

I almost said I hope things will get back to normal, but I think after you've shit your pants it's safe to say things will never be the same again.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day off from everything but pooping

Yesterday morning I was having a major farting fest. They smelled really bad too, like something had crawled up inside of me and died. I was expecting a big production when I finally squatted over the bowl. I thought I was at risk of filling the bowl. I was sorely disappointed. I couldn't even squeeze out a deformed nugget, it was horrible. When I finally did get something to come out mid afternoon it was nothing more than what an ant's poop might look like. The day was filled with a lot of false promises. I felt like I could have popped.

When I woke up this morning I felt like my insides were as hard as a rock. I sat on the toilet for a good half hour and all that came out were a dozen babies toes. I was already going to be late for work and I felt like I had more business to attend to, so I stayed home to work things out. It had been a few days since I'd had a good session on the throne, and even then I had had a few days between the last couple of them.

I wanted to stay home so that I could be on the toilet before I finished a fart. I tend to put it off sometimes even when I know I shouldn't. Things come up, when it`s coming down, you know? I wasn't convinced that taking the day off would work, but it worked better than I thought. I had a few false alarms but for the most part I think I got the bulk of my load out. Not that it didn't take the whole day, and didn't hurt. It certainly did not feel good. (I swear I saw a little blood). So problem solved for now, I’ll live to poop another day...I hope.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Why we do it...

Growing up I hated having to go to the washroom anywhere outside of my house. My biggest fear was going to the washroom and having a big long poop and then having to go back to my group knowing that they knew that I knew that I had been gone way too long.

About five years ago my best friend and I went on a three week backpacking trip around Europe. In most of the places we stayed the bathrooms had barely a paper thin wall dividing it from the room, and boy could you hear everything! Every fart, plop and tinkle even with the TV blaring. I think it took us about 3 nights before we started commenting on the volume the other was making, even going as far as commenting while the other was in the loo. I will admit I was the meaner of the two and at one point my friend begged me to wander the streets of Paris while she emptied her load.

A few years later the same friend and I decided to be roomies, permanently sharing a toilet. And that`s when it happened. We aren't sure when or how, but what started out as an embarrassing and taboo act has flourished into one of our main conversation topics on a daily basis. And why not? Everyone does it, and talking about it has been so free and enlightening we decided we needed to share our discussions with the rest of the world.

And since poop isn't always the only crappy thing produced some days we are going to talk about all of the crappy things in life, not just shit.