Sunday, August 16, 2009

Is it gonna happen, or what!?

I’ve pooped a lot lately. More than normal, but not enough to worry. I could feel a poop coming on the other day while I was out. I ignored it for as long as I could but suddenly realized I may have waited a little too long so I had to scurry quickly to the nearest loo.

Despite my feelings of urgency, when I sat down, nothing was there. I pushed and pushed, but nothing came, so I moved on my next strategy. I pulled out my phone, turned on the Tetris and tried to relax. Still no luck. I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe, despite feeling like a rock was trying to make its way out my butt, there was nothing there. A phantom poop, there but not really.

I gave up. My friend was waiting for me, I had places to go, people to see. I didn’t have any more time to give this little guy. I reached over to grab some tp so I could wipe and get out of there, but apparently there was something in the motion of reaching out for the tp that made my bowels explode into the bowl beneath my bum.

Now, instead of being full of poop, I was full of shock and amusement.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


My stomach was burbling, but as I puttered around the house I forgot about the volcano getting ready to burst out of my bottom. Finally after a while I realized I had to go pee. Inconveniently I was in the laundry room of my building. I debated going in there, but the Super was puttering around so I decided to go back upstairs and use my own toilet. Turned out to be a really good call.

I sat down to pee, and after about 30 seconds of peeing IT started pouring out of me. The poop that is. Felt like nothing, I didn't know it was happening until it started hitting the bowl.

After I got the initial dropping, I started to get the painful poop cramps. You know the ones, they feel like your giving birth to a wee poo. You can feel the muscles in your bowels working. After birthing about 5 of these little guys and feeling like some lava had just poured slowly from my bum I was done.

When I looked down into the bowl to inspect my work it was a lot smaller than I expected. My cat has bigger turds than this...but then again my cat just has really big turds. It was like a pile of lizard poop, or what I imagine it would be like, because really I've never seen lizard poop before.

In any case, my bowels are a rumbling again...

Short verse...

(To the tune of Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash)

I feel the poop a coming,
It's rolling out my bum...

...Oops gotta go there it is!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Forced to poop

I hate when I haven’t pooped before I leave the house. I went out for breakfast the other day and I didn’t manage to squeeze a poop before I left. Almost immediately after I finished eating I could feel him trying to poke his way out of my bum. I had a dilemma, I knew that my poop wasn’t quite ready and I needed to walk around a little to get him ready to go. I didn’t have that kind of time though. So either I had to go now, or cross my legs.

I decided to go.

It was one of the hardest I’ve ever had to push. Luckily it was one of those one person bathrooms because I was grunting and groaning away. I had to work so hard for this guy I was rocking back and forth on the toilet, pressing down on my bowels trying to make sure every last bit of him came out.

I was in there for a while so when I finally did come out I had to do that walk of shame back to my table. Anyone who had seen me go to the bathroom and then saw how long it was when I finally came back, knew what I had done in there. Oh they knew.

The Uneventful Poop

I sat down on the toilet to pee. As the pee poured out of me, suddenly with all the force of an atomic bomb the poop exploded out of me. One minute I was sitting there nicely peeing, the next minute I had pooped. It was amazingly satisfying. Not too messy, the smell was minimal. I could definitely go for that again. Maybe I will tomorrow.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Almost diarrhea

I was innocently sitting on the toilet peeing, and then without warning poop started pouring out of me. On one hand, it was great, because it required no effort on my part, and then I inhaled. The smell was like if you pooped in a ziplock, put it out in the sun for a while, then locked yourself in a room with no air and then opened it up. Rotting garbage could not compare to the smell that was unleashed from my bum.

Friday, June 26, 2009

In one day, out the other.

Yesterday was not a good food day. Don’t get me wrong, it was a tasty day, but not a “good” day. For breakie I had more than a little too much baguette, for lunch I had leftover pasta, and for dinner to complete the trifecta I had some greasy stadium French fries. Like I said, not a good food day. My body does not appreciate too many wheat products, and then to throw some grease on that, it was not happy.

I spent a good chunk of my evening feeling very very bloated. I felt something brewing in my belly and when I finally went to sit on the throne, I pushed and pulled, popped a blood vessel in my head, and all that came out was one of the tiniest poops I have ever seen.

All the way home I couldn’t stop the wet juicy farts from leaving me. If you were on the subway last night and smelt something nasty, it was probably me. The good part was, I got most of the toxic air out of me before I got home, so at least I didn’t stink up my apartment!

In the night the cat dropped something off my dresser, and when I got up to look I did a GIANT wet fart and for a second I thought it was a startled poo. I had to go check out the situation because I was so sleepy I couldn’t be sure if I’d just dropped a load in my pants or not. Thankfully I had not.

This morning I felt pretty good considering the events of last night. My poop was ok, I waited for the point of no return, and I didn’t have to work that hard for it. When I looked in the bowl though, it was looking a little skinny and pathetic. I prefer to see those big thick logs, not the pathetic little twigs, but after yesterday I was happy just to have that kind of quantity. I’m eating a big old bowl of fruit today with some yogurt so hopefully tomorrow will be quality with quantity.