Monday, June 29, 2009

Almost diarrhea

I was innocently sitting on the toilet peeing, and then without warning poop started pouring out of me. On one hand, it was great, because it required no effort on my part, and then I inhaled. The smell was like if you pooped in a ziplock, put it out in the sun for a while, then locked yourself in a room with no air and then opened it up. Rotting garbage could not compare to the smell that was unleashed from my bum.

Friday, June 26, 2009

In one day, out the other.

Yesterday was not a good food day. Don’t get me wrong, it was a tasty day, but not a “good” day. For breakie I had more than a little too much baguette, for lunch I had leftover pasta, and for dinner to complete the trifecta I had some greasy stadium French fries. Like I said, not a good food day. My body does not appreciate too many wheat products, and then to throw some grease on that, it was not happy.

I spent a good chunk of my evening feeling very very bloated. I felt something brewing in my belly and when I finally went to sit on the throne, I pushed and pulled, popped a blood vessel in my head, and all that came out was one of the tiniest poops I have ever seen.

All the way home I couldn’t stop the wet juicy farts from leaving me. If you were on the subway last night and smelt something nasty, it was probably me. The good part was, I got most of the toxic air out of me before I got home, so at least I didn’t stink up my apartment!

In the night the cat dropped something off my dresser, and when I got up to look I did a GIANT wet fart and for a second I thought it was a startled poo. I had to go check out the situation because I was so sleepy I couldn’t be sure if I’d just dropped a load in my pants or not. Thankfully I had not.

This morning I felt pretty good considering the events of last night. My poop was ok, I waited for the point of no return, and I didn’t have to work that hard for it. When I looked in the bowl though, it was looking a little skinny and pathetic. I prefer to see those big thick logs, not the pathetic little twigs, but after yesterday I was happy just to have that kind of quantity. I’m eating a big old bowl of fruit today with some yogurt so hopefully tomorrow will be quality with quantity.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Point of no return poop

The point of no return poop. Until I had heard about it I didn’t poop like a champ, more like a chump. I would have to spend hours sitting at the toilet grunting and groaning trying to squeeze out some nuggets.

The basic concept of the point of no return poop is that you wait until the very last second when you can pretty much feel the poop poking its way out of your bum. I know it isn’t pretty, and it’s risqué, but if all works out it’s well worth it.

When done right, you just sit down on the throne and everything slides out, uneventful and quick. Just a couple plop, plops and you’re done. It isn’t always perfect; sometimes the first couple stones come out good, but the last few kick up a fuss. They dig their claws in and really make you work for it.

Just don’t wait too long.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Morning Brew

I thought yesterday morning’s poop was going to be smooth sailing. I could feel it brewing in my bowels like a morning cup of joe, but when I went to my throne to try and throw a couple down, nothing came out!!! It was like being in the desert with storm clouds looming above. There was nothing I could do, I had to wait.

So I hiked up my pants and headed off to work, unsure of what the future would hold. Nothing happened for the first hour, but then I started to feel something funny in my pants. Just as my internal poop timer went off and I was literally lifting my bum out of my chair, a manager came over and I was stuck.

The next half hour was very uncomfortable and finally she went to go and get something so I ran to the loo. When I got there I had sucked my poop back so much he was a little shy. Finally after some convincing, out he came. In large quantities I might add. I filled the bowl.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

1000 Poopers

I pooped the poop of a thousand poopers.

First I pooped a little, then a little more, then a lot, and then a LOT more. That was last night.

Then I did it again this morning.

Oh god and they were big giant golden brown smelly mothers.

On one hand this is good, because lately I've been struggling to "make ends meet". On the other hand, the smell was horrendous.

Oh god the smell!!!