Diarrhea's deformed cousin Daryl

I still haven't recovered totally from my life changing experience. My poop resembles diarrhea's deformed cousin, Daryl. He can't make up his mind whether he wants to come out. He practically hangs out my ass but as soon as I put my butt over the hole he shoots back in and clings on for dear life. When I finally do squeeze him out it's like squirting playdoh out of a strainer. It's smelly, a little messy, not at all satisfying. It always leaves me wanting more, and by more I mean I always feel like I have to poop. Always.